The Marvel Universe is large, diverse and full of interesting characters. Here’s my list of the top ten that we probably could have done without. These are in no real particular order and can be interchanged however you’d like.
10. Captain Brittan – Are you serious with this?! Captain America isn’t enough? Where’s Captain Netherlands when you need him? I hope Captain Canada comes and saves me!
From the Marvel Directory – this is a segment on his weapon:
“Captain Britain wields Excalibur, the Sword of Might, forged in the fires of creation and tempered by the power of the universe. United with the Amulet of Right, Excalibur possesses the capacity to remake the cosmos. Both talismans of power formerly belonged to the god-wizard Merlin.”
9. Maggott – First appeared in X-Men 345, yes he is a mutant.
“Maggott is a mutant who appears to have a telepathic rapport with the two enormous slugs that accompany him. These slugs, which are the size of small dogs, can apparently devour any form of matter at great speed. The slugs appear to have a symbiotic relationship with Maggott, the nature of which has yet to be explained.”
Nuff said…that’s super weird.
8. Dr. Bong – He has no superhuman powers whatsoever.
Here’s what he can do – “Doctor Bong wears a helmet shaped like a bell, and wears a large metal ball in place of his severed left hand. By striking the ball against his helmet, he creates sonic vibrations which can produce a wide variety of effects. The vibrations can, for example, have concussive force, enough to bend steel, or can paralyze a living being temporarily, create a nearly impenetrable sonic barrier, or teleport Bong or someone else in his vicinity to another location.”
Ahhh…methinks someone at Marvel was hitting the “Dr. Bong” before writing this odd character.
7. Man-Ape – OK, let’s try to look beyond the racial overtones on this one and look at Man-Ape as the character that he is. According to the mighty marvel directory his special abilities besides superhuman strength, speed and agility he “is a masterful natural fighter whose fighting style is reminiscent of that of a gorilla.”
What tha…?! How exactly to Gorilla’s fight?!
6. Squirrel Girl – She can communicate with squirrels.
5. Ruby Thursday – “Ruby’s head has been somehow replaced with a mass of “organic circuitry,” a malleable red plastic that can mimic all the proper functions of a human head (seeing, hearing, speaking and presumably breathing and eating)”.
This is just so wrong…on so many levels.
Wait…there’s more! One of her powers is that “She can cause her head to explode and reform. She can make the magnitude of the explosion large enough to knock out durable human and humanoid creatures such as the Hulk“.
4. Bessie the Hell-Cow – From Top Tenz :
“This is one of the few Marvel characters introduced with Swiss origins as Bessie was presented as a cow hailing from Switzerland. Appearing for the first time in 1975 in the fifth issue of the ‘Giant Sized Man-Thing’ Bessie was introduced as a vampire. Perhaps, it was the blending of a vampire theme with an innocent looking cow that turned-away most readers. Further, what surprised many was Hellcow’s obsession with finding Dracula to seek revenge on him. The character was doomed from the very beginning and eventually the Marvel creators handed it an early death when a wooden stake was put through its heart – by none other than…(Ed. from Duk – my number 2)”
Known Superhuman Powers: Reptilla could magically assume a mutated form in which the lower portion of her body and her arms resembled the body of a snake, and in which snake’s heads took the place of her hands. Even in her human form, she had limited abilities to wield magic.
So we have Apes, Squirrels, vampire cows from Switzerland and now a snake lady with snakes as arms?
Puhleeze…go back to the drawing board guys.
2. Howard the Duck – Here we have a detective Duck who smokes and is a master of the art of Quack-Fu.
He is responsible for driving the wooden stake through the heart of Bessie. No lie…
1. Blue Streak – Wore roller skates that propelled him at “speeds at least up to 125 miles per hour.”. But he doesn’t have superhuman strength so what happens if he crashes?
“His rocket skates and laser weaponry enabled him to pursue moving vehicles on highways and rob them.” Moving vehicles on the highway?! Really?!! The highway has a speed limit of 65 mph. So this guys comes up along side your car, on rollerskates, and demands your money…what do YOU do? Exactly…
That wraps up Dukwheat’s Top Ten WORST Marvel characters of All Time…hope you enjoyed it.